So…for a wordsy girl, I am feeling a little quiet this afternoon. (And everyone breathes a sweet sigh of relief! 😉 Finding myself with a few – highly sought after – quiet moments – the thoughts and burdens of ministry seem to be sitting heavy on my chest. God called me to be a wife, He called me to be a mama, He called me to lead in my church, He called me to be a friend – there is not an aspect of my life that isn’t drenched in ministry. There is so much joy in it, and there is so much heaviness to it. There are moments you feel so high and excited as you see light bulbs go off in the eyes of another, as you hear His word spoken, as you see love wash all over the face of your child…and there is such sadness when the realization there is only so much you can do hits. All of it – the joys and triumphs, the helplessness and sadness – bring with it a roller coaster ride of various forms but it truly is so worth it – as it all ties back to my relationship with Christ. There are moments in ministry, in family, in life where we are faced with a choice. Let it consume us or let it glorify Him. Reminded me of an experience I had sometime back…
Many years ago my husband selflessly allowed me to sneak away for a weekend alone so that I could have some one-on-one time with my Jesus. No, I didn’t go to any kind of conference. No, I didn’t go with a laid out or detailed plan. No, I didn’t take anyone with me. It was just me, my Bible, my praise music, my Bible study on James and my Jesus. It was a sweet time. It held moments of great emotion, moments of intense excitement (LOVE studying His great and powerful word!), and just tender moments of working through the hidden areas of my heart. But those details…I will keep between me and my sweet Jesus.
This weekend stands out in my mind, honestly, because of what I found when I arrived at my get away retreat. Forgive the picture, but I needed the visual for you to understand. When I arrived and pulled into the driveway…this little guy pictured here was laying in the middle of the driveway. Seriously, gross, right? Now maybe I’d been hanging out with my, then, three adventurous kids for too long, but I had to check him out. Not that I am going to ask you to, but if you click on it and look closer the little bugger is completely missing a leg. I don’t know what this thing got himself into…but love his heart it did not come out well for him. And suddenly I found myself with a dilema…what do I do with him?
- Though obviously dead…back the car over him repeatedly to verify death.
- Find something to throw over it – covering it up so I don’t have to look at it.
- Pretend like I never saw him (though being right in the middle of the driveway…that was going to be a stretch).
- Find a shovel and remove him to his final resting place in the woods.
- Do I replay past events, past choices, past sins repeatedly to verify that I am worthless?
- Do I find something to throw over that area of my life to cover it it up so I just don’t have to look at it?
- Do I pretend that those areas just don’t exist? Why even bring them up with the Lord – let’s focus on the good stuff and pretend those aren’t there?
- Do I get down on the ground, even it takes an ocean of tears, even if it’s painful, even if it gross…and just remove it and allow the Lord to put the junk in it’s final resting place?