Monthly Archives: February 2021

Feb23

Does God Allow Grief?

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The topic of grief has been a prevalent one for much of our country over the course of this past year. There has been so much loss…of loved ones, of routine, of jobs, of relationships, of normalcy. Grief upon grief seems to be a binding commonality amongst friends and strangers alike. It has been so commonplace that it begs the question…why? Why is this something that God would allow? To the detriment of my husband, this was a topic I could not get off my mind as we were standing on the top of Sugar Mountain in Boone, NC this past weekend. 

In a cool dad moment, my Christopher decided he would take all of us on an impromptu trip, five hours north to allow our kids an opportunity to experience snow. Among our adventures was skiing – he hadn’t been in years and the kids had never been. He was SO excited and I… was not entirely thrilled. My insecurities were much higher than my anticipation. 

Before hitting the slopes, we first had to gear up. It is important to note that I was already sporting 2 long sleeve heat-insulating running shirts, long running leggings under my jeans, thick long socks, a massive coat, toboggan and (because of Covid) a mandated mask. (The gloves were riding along in my pocket until we got back outside.) In other words, I was layered for warmth! We made it to the back equipment room with the multitudes of others who were also eager to suit up and hit the snow. But first I had to add to my layers an additional snow bib and ski boots. By this point the nerves were revved all the way up, the heat of the crowded room and weight of all of the attire was pressing in – bringing with it an unwavering rush of panic. I put on my first ski boot and instant claustrophobia rushed over me. If you have never skied, these boots are very big, heavy and obviously restrictive in your ankle movement. I had barely gotten it on when nausea washed over me. I genuinely thought I was going to jump out of my skin. I pulled it off as fast as I could, stripped myself of my coat, pulled off the mask and toboggan and inwardly freaked out. Then I looked over at the excited faces of my kids and immediately thought ‘How am I going to do this? There is no way that I can do this!”…

As I was struggling in this ridiculous moment, I could not get past how familiar this feeling was to that of grief – something our family has been battling with since the passing of my father-in-law toward the end of 2020. Grief. It is something that we always know is out there. We know that it is possible around any given corner, at any unknown…future time. If asked, many of us could give our best Webster’s Dictionary response as to what grief is… that it is a “deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement; a cause of suffering; a trouble or annoyance; an unfortunate outcome.” But until we are faced with it – there is no way to understand the weight it carries; how layered it is; and how at any moment any additional thing makes it instantly suffocating. Grief, in my personal opinion, is a vicious beast. It makes you feel overwhelmingly claustrophobic where your primary thought is “How am I going to do this? There is NO way that I can do THIS!” Unlike my ski attire, however, you can’t just start shedding things to help that feeling pass. It seems so overwhelming…a bit cruel even…surely this isn’t what the Lord intended for us.

And yet, God allows grief.

  • “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
  • “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
  • “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:12-13

It is something He allows, yes, but not without reason. It is an opportunity to lean in on Him. It is an opportunity to watch Him move first hand. It is a way to connect with the One who suffered far more than we will ever understand – even in our darkest grief. It is under the weight of grief that we are reminded of our need for a Savior, that we remember a world who is lost without Him and that we desperately need to cling to Him. 

Yes, He allows grief, but God also helps us process grief.

It took a moment, and some inward cursing, but I was finally able to get on all of the clothing and equipment I would need to safely step onto a slippery mountainside. We made our way from the equipment room to the door that led to the slopes, whereby I was handed my actual skis and poles (dear glory…more stuff!). We then promptly headed for the practice area. This practice area had almost no drop, but just enough incline to allow them the ‘downward’ sensation. It was only a matter of yards in length – not at all intimidating (to them). It was the first opportunity that everyone had to actually put on their skis and get a feel for how to navigate the ice and snow. Within minutes, they were all dropping; skis going one direction, bodies going the other. I tried to help Chris retrieve the littler ones and push them back to the top so they could try again. Each of our children reacted very differently to the difficulties that skiing presented them. One of our boys willingly flung himself to the ground as a braking mechanism. Our daughter fumed that the skis would not do what she wanted. All four processed and worked through it, and my husband graciously and patiently helped each one right where they were. You will notice my use of ‘they’ here as I had yet to actually put my skis on. It was an hour of practicing and they finally felt ready to try an actual sloped incline, when my six year old explained to me that it was now my turn to put on my skis. I reluctantly complied. I placed one foot in, and it immediately grew a mind of its own slipping all around while I tried to put on the other ski. I hemmed and hawed, made several excuses, and finally got the darn things on and attempted my own jaunt across the practice area. My entire body was tense, and I remembered – instantly – why skiing is not my thing. I had absolutely NO control. 

Similarly, grief is something that comes in and out whenever it wants to. It takes your mind one place, despite the fact that your body is trying to go a completely different direction. It is unpredictable and completely frustrating. It comes at you in random, unexpected moments. Sometimes it sneaks up and sometimes it literally takes the ground from underneath you. It makes you feel you have absolutely no control. So how do we process it? How do we navigate something that appears seemingly unable to tame? To process, scripture says…

  • “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:6-8
  • “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
  • “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

If you are the one trying to help someone to process it – may I suggest the strategy my Christopher took that evening that we stood on that mountainside. Chris knew my insecurities and reservations. He knew they did not match with his adventure and inhibitions. And while he knows well that skiing is something that can be powered through and figured out – he knew that he couldn’t force me to figure that out. It was something I was going to have to navigate at my own speed and in my own way. He gave me the freedom to take my time and to navigate what was scary and unfamiliar in a way that was more comfortable for me. He met me where I was. When someone you love is grieving scripture says to embody the fruit of the Spirit and fully explains how to demonstrate that love…

  • “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23
  • “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

God provides relief from grief.

At some point, Chris came and retrieved our littlest and took him over with the others to the ‘real’ slopes (turns out he was the best of all of them!) and I was left in the practice area. And for an hour, I stood at the top of the little incline, practicing putting the skis on, allowing myself to walk/ski forward, trying to make my way to the opposite side with the goal of stopping in an upright position – whereby I would take the skiis back off, walk to the top and do it again. I did this back and forth around 10 times. I ‘yard saled’ hard – several of those times. I hated the ‘out of control’ feeling every single time. But I was able to make it from point A to point B several times – fully upright. And I was SO incredibly proud of myself. I looked over and saw my kids zipping by on the slope beside me. I heard them calling out ‘aren’t you going to come over to the big mountain’. And I was overwhelmed because I had conquered a big mountain – big to me, but conquered nonetheless. Yes, we know that grief is something God allows. We know that He gives us encouragement in how to process it, but He also is gracious in ultimately providing us a way through it. 

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

While grief is universal – the process through it is unique. We can’t compare our grief to others. We can’t look at someone else’s timeline or their process as the measure of what we have to do and how quickly. The Lord may have a completely different time frame in mind for you. The timeline may be short, may be easy and may be filled with few obstacles. The timeline may be long and unending this side of glory, and filled with nothing but obstacles – but it will come to an end. The guarantee that we have is that it has purpose, He will walk through it with us and bring us to a place of hope and healing. For whatever you are grieving, for what you may come to grieve, for the grief that still tries to rear its head know that “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8 

Praying for you friend!

Feb16

Taking Courage

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Did you ever watch the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz?” Of all the various characters that we are introduced to throughout the film – I think that my favorite is ‘The Cowardly Lion.’ When we are first introduced to him, he is doing all he knows how to be the very best lion he can be; doing everything he can to play the role. He jumps around, roars at little Toto, and growls his fiercest growl. The problem is that it is all an act. One quick swat from Dorothy and he falls completely apart. He starts sobbing. He lowers his shoulders. He backs away from the others. He holds his tail and cries out pitifully. He is a hot mess! After regaining his composure, somewhat later however, he makes this grandiose speech – ‘Courage! What makes a King out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk, in the misty mist or the dusty dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the ‘ape’ in apricot? What have they got that I ain’t got? – Courage!’ Have you ever given your own version of that exact same speech? Have you ever played the part of ‘having it all together’, but deep inside knew you were nothing but afraid? It is not the best feeling, is it?

In December of 2019, the Lord impressed on me the word ‘unafraid’. It had come to me at the end of a very difficult year. In January of that year, my husband changed jobs. He had been commuting about an hour away (Monday – Friday) and now was working out of the house, traveling one week a month to Washington, D.C. Because of this job change we realized that the house we were living in (that already felt too small for our family of 6) was not going to provide an adequate work environment for him long term. We knew we would need to sell our house, but having lived in it for over twelve years, there was going to be much to do to get it ready. So we immediately set out to renovate our home (while we all still lived in it and while he now worked out of it. Oh my.) Along with our decision to make ready our house to sell, we had also made the decision that we would use the year to pay off some of our dumb debt and get ourselves in a financial position for me to step away from the toxic work environment that I was in. So for twelve months he learned a new job and our family a new rhythm around that job; we took our house through massive renovations; we sold our house without an inkling of where we would be moving; found a home within weeks of our move out date; and moved. All while I was preparing things where I worked to carry on without me so my leaving would not cause any issues for them – oh and did I mention we were training for a massive marathon weekend where in 4 days we would run 48.6 miles? Love a duck! So needless to say, when the Lord pressed ‘unafraid’ into my mind – it made complete sense to me. I knew that as the year turned over to 2020, it meant figuring out a new neighborhood and meeting new neighbors (I’m an introvert and the thought of that makes me sweat even now.) It meant preparing to step away from several decades of a life working in church ministry. It meant having to find a new church. It meant figuring out what the Lord had for me next. It meant a great many changes were in store – and I won’t lie – I wasn’t handling all of the impending changes well. To put it delicately – I was a hot mess. I had no clue what 2020 was really about to bring. I had no idea the level to which I, and everyone around me, would be taken under by a tidal wave of fear. 

Over the course of 2020, I leaned in – hard – to finding out what God had to say about living life holding tight to Him, and not holding so tightly to the fears that seemed everywhere; what He had to say about living unafraid. In case you were curious, He has an extensive amount to say on the subject. Out of the 66 books that lie within the pages of the Bible, 60 of them speak directly to the subject. Each Biblical character that I read about, glanced over or knew of, all have struggles surrounding some form of fear. Every sin that I saw mentioned has roots that tie back to fear. It is a vicious animal, fear. It can sneak up when your back is turned. It can consume. It can devour. It can kill if we are not careful. To me, the visual that comes to mind is the most vicious of predators – the lion…sitting in the shadows waiting to pounce.

In actuality, this is something that the Lord intends for us to think of when we process the idea of fear. It is interesting to me the amount of times that lions are referred to in scripture. In Isaiah 31:4, the LORD references how a strong lion is not afraid. Proverbs 21:8 references their boldness. Isaiah 5:29 references their strength as a predator. They are used over 25 times as examples to help paint a picture of things we should expect, ways we should act and warnings of what to look for. Their strength is demonstrated countless times in a manner of something that should be feared and that can cause fear – in Judges 14:18, Sampson is even asked, ‘What is stronger than a lion?’ Each of these instances can be countered, however, with the truth that despite all of their strength the Lord can silence them and crush them. In the same way – fear can feel like something that wants to devour and destroy you but Lord gently reminds us that He stands ready to crush fear, silence it, defeat it – if we would but trust that He will.

Too many times to count, God asks for us to ‘take courage’, to ‘be courageous’. It is something we must chose. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, ‘for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.’ We can feel just like that cowardly lion mentioned above – convinced that this is who we are with fears that are too real, too consuming. Despite that – He still says ‘take courage’. 

  • “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
  • “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6
  • “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

As the ‘Wizard of Oz’ draws to a close, we see each of the characters come before the wizard with their requests, their needs. In response the wizard gives the cowardly lion a medal of bravery. A symbol of the courage that is assuredly within him; a reminder that any time fear wants to sneak in, he can be courageous. We have been given a very similar gift to remind us of the courage that we too can have, Christ Jesus. The events around us will continue to swirl. Situations will overwhelm, life will continue to pull the rug from beneath you…taking courage, living unafraid isn’t holding to those moments…it’s holding to Christ and becoming strong in the Lord. If this concept seems unattainable – pray. Ask Him to help you to ‘take courage’ – to have the physical courage to to stand up for your beliefs or to weather life’s storms. To take courage that no matter what – He has not left you; He will not leave you. Instead of just playing the part – begin to truly seek Him, know Him, draw close to Him, believe Him and yes, stand strong in Him. He WILL carry you through. He WILL calm your heart. He WILL direct your next steps. He WILL remind you that you are loved. He WILL silence those fears. No longer do you have to say ‘what have they got that I ain’t got’ because you ‘got’ Him! Praying this with you my friend!

Feb11

It’s Gross – Get Rid of It!

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On a scale of 1-10 (1 being ‘not at all’ and 10 being ‘yes and then some please’), I would admittedly be a 2 on an ‘enjoys things that are gross’ scale. Here are a few recent scenarios for you to see where you might fall.

  1. A few weeks ago, I was talking with my oldest son in the kitchen. He had just gotten up and we were talking plans for the day, projects due, etc. When I happened to notice, just past him, that there was something on the ceiling. As I was outwardly still carrying on the conversation with him, inwardly I was thinking ‘ugh…is that a spider on my ceiling?! Gross!’ I began to walk toward Isaac, and just past him, staring at the ceiling the entire time. As I got just underneath this mystery figure up above – it suddenly came clearly into view. It was in fact not a spider…but a scorpion. (I will repeat that for those in the back…) There was a scorpion…in my house…on. my. ceiling. For the absolute love! I could not scramble fast enough to get something to get rid of this thing. The whole time I was looking around as if an army of them were about to come screaming from the corners of the room, and my son went into action grabbing a shoe and smearing (yes…that was a fun side effect)…smearing it dead across the ceiling. So gross!
  2. Where we live in South Carolina we experience a lot of humidity throughout the year. It is normally crazy hot…but always always humid. This, coupled with the surrounding wetlands, and the result is good old fashioned mold. If you are diligent about keeping your water lines flushed out well and not letting the humidity become too centralized inside your house you can combat it pretty well. But let’s face it – how often do you get to keep your showers and bathrooms completely dry and beautifully spotless (if your answer is anything other than ‘hardly ever’ – you should probably exit stage left.) In truth, I just forget. I forget that the possibility of mold showing up is there. I forget to take those extra measures to dry things up. I just forget. Until moments like last week, where I was having a good old fashioned – I’m gonna stay in this shower until all of the water runs out – kind of shower and I began to look around. Suddenly in every corner, all along each edge I noticed pink moldy streaks. Within minutes – I was out of the shower, somewhat dried off and sprinting for the bleach (yes…bleach. I’m a tired mom who just needs to knock the stuff out – don’t judge). I went from shower to shower – armed with bleach, an old tooth brush and a mission to clean. An hour or so later – every shower and every bathroom sparkled and seemingly let out a thankful sigh of relief. Once super gross – now beautifully clean!
  3. My husband and I have been married for just over 24 years. It was around year 8 when we had our first child, around year 18 when we had our last child, and around year 21 before the first (and most likely last) pet entered the doors of our home. We appreciate animals – we are just not what you would call ‘pet people’. (I know I use bleach AND I don’t watch kitten videos – who am I even?) But despite this we found a little dog that seemed to be the right fit for our family of six. She will never be any bigger than about 5 pounds. She doesn’t have fur or pet dander. She doesn’t shed or make us sneeze. She is too little to destroy furniture. And if she barks – though a little annoying – it’s minimal at best. A good deal of our hesitation in getting a pet – beyond our mere disinterest in having to have another mouth to feed and life to maintain – came from a fear that given the extreme passion and gusto for life that my children seem to possess – that any critter we brought into these four walls would likely NOT survive. Amazingly enough though – this little pup has been with us over 3 years now and somehow survived all of the love she has been ‘forced’ to endure. All is not too bad for our little pup as one of the perks of living in a house with active energetic boys is that they are always eating and never careful about where their food lands. Translation – all kinds of yummy things hit the ground often enough that she plants herself firmly under their feet each night at dinner. She’s not a stupid animal. Normally this works out well for her, but on occasion, like a few mornings ago, they will drop things like the crumbs of their chocolate muffin. (Again, I said it was a wonder she was still alive…I wasn’t kidding.) I could tell she was a little off, and sat down on the floor next to her. She cuddled me for a moment and then slowly and methodically puked on the carpet beside me. Oh my glory – it was so completely gross. I scooped her up and got her settled in a more ‘puke friendly’ environment and then cleaned the mess like we were in a hospital, and the next patient was coming. I cannot truly express how gross!

Maybe these scenarios don’t bother you at all. Maybe you could deal with one, but not so much the other. Maybe you would have ignored all of them. Or maybe you would have been like me – grossed out by each in their own unique way. Regardless of how these things fell on your scale of 1-10 – I would wager that you would do the same thing that I did and get rid of the gross. Realistically, it is not wise to have live scorpions roaming around your house. While initially a seemingly mild thing – mold can potentially grow and cause genuine health issues. And dog vomit, when deposited directly in the middle of your living room floor, is just not something you look at and say ‘you know I was thinking this room needed a little something. Perfect.’ No. You get rid of it. When things are disgusting, potentially harmful or problematic like these – we are quick to take care of them and rid our selves of them. Why then, is this not the case when it comes to the enemy and his hold over you and me?

Satan has a knack for sneaking into areas of our heart and mind and setting up camp. It is almost as if he takes a flag and plunges it in declaring that this space, this experience, this insecurity, this past choice, this past event that now causes you grief or shame, belongs to him. He holds it over you anytime you strive to better yourself. He sends reminders ever so often of the claim he has laid to your heart and life – and time after time – we look on at the grossness of the area he has laid claim to – and we throw our hands up. We step back and say, “oh well, that’s his – I can’t do anything about that” and we allow him to stay there.

If someone broke into your home, plopped down on your couch, and announced to you that this was now their home – you’d high-tail their tush out as quickly as you could. It’s not their house. They have no right to be there, much less live there. Satan, our enemy, dear friend is no different. He has no right, no authority to come into your heart or mind, and he absolutely has no authority to take up residency there. So why don’t we kick him out? Why don’t we get rid of the filth he tries to heap on us every day? When I wanted to get rid of the scorpion I ran for a shoe and it was no more. When I wanted to get rid of the mold I ran for the bleach and it was gone. When I wanted to get rid of the vomit it was as simple as a paper towel and some rug cleaner. In the same way, we have the ability to get rid of the nastiness that the enemy wants to keep heaped inside of us. We just need to grab up God’s Word – and it will eliminate this trash.

If you believe God’s Word is true – if you believe in the promise and hope of Jesus, then you have to believe that every word of it must be true. Every promise, every challenge, every word…true…even for one like you. The enemy wants so very much for you to just ignore the mess he’s made in you. He would like nothing more than for you to throw your hands up and say ‘there’s nothing I can really do there anyway’ so that he can slowly take claim over more and more. If you are going to uproot this nastiness – you are going to need to grab up your Bible and run hard after every lie the enemy throws at you. Now chances are there are areas he’s been hanging out in a long time – so uprooting may take some doing. May I suggest that more than just reading through some verses that might apply to the situation that you turn God’s Word into prayers. Pray this grossness out with the most powerful tool available. Here are a few examples of what I mean…

  1. When the enemy tries to convince you that there is no one who understands you, no one who cares and that you are all alone. Counter that lie with this prayer out of Deuteronomy 31:6 – “Lord, help me to be strong and courageous. Help me not to fear or dread them. Help me to remember that you, oh God, always go with me. You promised that you would never leave or forsake me. Help me to cling to that truth.’ 
  2. When the enemy tries to remind you of every mistake you have made, of your weaknesses, of areas where you have struggled – seemingly shouting that you are nothing but a failure. Take a breath and pray John 3:16-17 – “Lord, You assure me that You SO loved the world…so loved me…that You sent your Son Jesus – not to condemn me…but to save me; not to cast me aside but to take me in. You said that those sins…those failures…were something Your Son chose to take on and take away. Help me continue to believe that – even when it is difficult. Thank you for the opportunity to get to know you, believe in you and by doing so spend eternity with you. What a beautiful victory that will be!”  
  3. When the enemy tries to distort the way you see yourself – be that in physical appearance or skills and abilities – causing you to see yourself as ugly, unlovely and inadequate, lay down the fun house mirror he is holding and pick up God’s Word. Allow the reflection of the One in Whose image you were created to be the One you fix your eyes on. Then holding to His truth – counter the lies of the enemy with this prayer based out of Psalm 139:14 – “Lord, it is so easy to get caught up in man’s idea of beauty and talent. God may I instead get caught up in Your idea of it. Help me Lord to praise you for who I am right now. Help me to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made by You! You did it – and I want so greatly to claim that truth today because Lord – Your works…ARE wonderful, I know that very well. So help me to stop forgetting that I am one of Your works.”

You are a precious creation of God, and as such, you are His. The enemy has no place to stake any claim over you – he cannot stake claim on what does not belong to him. Don’t you think it’s time to evict him? See God meant it when He said, “…that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you.” (Deuteronomy 28:7). It’s time to clean house – ‘Submit yourself to God. Resist the devil…” and friend he will have no choice but to ‘flee from you.’ It’s cleaning day! Praying for you!

Feb2

Choosing What You Cannot See

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Do you ever scroll through the TimeHop on your social media? My memory is terrible. And I have found that over the years that I find true joy over scrolling through past memories each day. Inevitably I will be surprised by things that happened – having completely forgotten that I had participated in certain events  – or I will get ridiculously tickled over some dumb thing either my kids or I had done – which are numerous! So I guess it shouldn’t entirely surprise me that when I decided to scroll through today’s memories – I encountered something of an anniversary on this date. It was a year ago today that I stepped down from my previous job. As with any major decision there is a lot of heartache and questioning that goes into it – and this shift was no different. I had been serving at a church for five years. God had made it so abundantly clear when He opened the door for me to work there. I had a thousand concerns, worries, and red flags – but through all of that noise – He continually confirmed and reaffirmed that He wanted me on that mission field. I love how the Lord can truly give you a peace over a decision, situation or issue. I am so thankful when everything else is a chaotic hot mess…His peace, His stillness, His voice somehow breaks through. It is amazing. What is not so amazing…is when He is quiet. I am not sure if you have ever encountered it, but there are times when the Lord can be deafeningly silent! And a year ago today was a perfect storm of both of those moments. He had made it SO clear that it was time to leave my job…and not just my job, but to step away from serving inside the four walls of a church. I had spent the previous two decades serving inside church walls – and now He was saying it was time to step out. This was completely clear. But where I was to go; what I was to do next; what serving Him in ministry would look like next? Yeah…you could hear crickets…but not His voice. 

Maybe I am an odd duck – in fact, I am aware that I am and am rather proud of this fact – but when faced with big changes like those listed above – I freak completely out. I, like so many, do not like change. Good or bad – change is still change and I don’t like it. Why? Because what I do like is to be in control! It is my favorite! I like to have a plan (okay…that’s a lie. I like to have six plans with another back-up or two just for kicks). I like to know what’s going to happen and what all potential outcomes might be. The Lord too, loves a good plan (as a dear friend reminded me earlier – just check out Exodus and his layout of the building of the Tabernacle. If you don’t think God loves a thorough, detailed, fully laid out plan – head there.) There isn’t anything that has appeared on this earth or happened in our lives that the Lord doesn’t have a plan for – there is peace in that and that truth absolutely deserves at least one ‘hallelujah’. He is just not always in the business of laying it out in front of us. He calls us to lean in. He calls us to take a step forward. He calls us to trust. He calls us to choose Him. 

As I sat here reflecting on my time in ministry, my time in my last position, and this day one year ago, God allowed another memory to come to mind as well. I have shared this before, but it is too fitting here not to share again. Several years ago…and by several, I think it was close to a decade ago, my husband selflessly allowed me to sneak away for a weekend. I say selflessly because at the time we had three young children, no grandparents in town, and he was going to be left to figure it all out on his own while I was away. (He is rockstar husband and father – it was just exceptionally meaningful to me that he gave me this little break.). Some friends of ours had a place about forty-five minutes from where we lived – and had offered it up to me for the weekend. I was very excited. I had planned do some prep for an upcoming Bible study I was going to lead. I planned to try and relax a bit, but I really planned to be laser focused and have some quality time with the Lord. (If you have ever seen a mama of young ones – you know time is precious, sleep rare, and time with the Lord as scattered as the crumbs and toys in the house.) Similarly, I was approaching a new season and it was time to get real with the Lord – to look at the areas where I had struggled, acknowledge the gifts He had given, and prepare for the unknown road ahead. It all sounded great – I was super excited, but also incredibly nervous about what the unknowns of what He had next for me.

I was thinking through these things as I drove when I came to the driveway of the get-away house where I would stay. And the thing He had next for me – that He put in front of me?…This nasty picture you see here (forgive the ugliness of it – but without the visual, you might not fully understand). I mean good glory! How completely gross was this little guy! It was bad enough that it was in the driveway to begin with, but for extra kicks it had landed itself smack-dab in the middle so my ability to ignore it wasn’t really an option. 

A random side effect of having little kids at home is that they tend to make you more inquisitive and curious than you normally would be, and I found myself inexplicably getting out of the car to check him out. Now please don’t picture this scene with any form of bravery or poise. I am relatively sure I crept from the vehicle, tip-toeing to his side, with my shoulders tight, my face contorted and a small groan escaping my mouth for no real reason. Please also keep in mind that this thing…this squirrel…was dead and I am ridiculous. As I got nearer to him (to take the lovely picture you see here), I quickly noticed that he was completely missing a leg. Bless this little guy’s heart, I don’t know what got a hold of him, but it did not come out well for him at all. I stood up and breathed a bit easier (now sure it wouldn’t attack me) and suddenly dread swooped over me again. What on earth was I going to do with him?

I’m a planner, remember – so I assessed the situation and quickly came up with four potential plans…

  1. Though obviously dead…I could get back into the car and repeatedly run him over just to verify death.
  2. I could find something to throw over it – covering it up so I didn’t have to look at it.
  3. I could pretend like I never saw him and just ignore it all together (though being right in the middle of the driveway…that was not super realistic.) Or…
  4. I could find a shovel and remove him to his final resting place in the woods.

Now put a pause on this scene from the nature channel…and fast forward to this anniversary date of such big changes that occurred a year ago today. I knew God’s hand was ushering me out, and I knew that up to this point He had never failed or left me – but the not knowing what would come next…the having to trust in the unknown and unseen…I didn’t know what to do. Insecurities overwhelmed me that maybe He was calling me away because I had failed Him. The insecurities of whatever is ahead, I’m not good enough for them, those areas where we (who are all sinners) don’t like to unravel and give God access to – what if I had to face those as I stepped out. I don’t know about you, but those unknowns, those quiet moments, those blind spots – are incredibly scary. And In that moment, I was faced with some choices…

  1. Do I replay past events, past choices, past sins repeatedly to verify that I am too worthless for whatever He might be calling me to and allow the fear of repeating failures to stop me in my tracks?
  2. Do I find something to throw over those areas of my life to cover them up and make excuses so I just don’t have to look at them at all?
  3. Do I pretend that He isn’t really calling me to something new? Why even bring it up with the Lord – let’s focus on the easy stuff and pretend that possibility isn’t there?
  4. Or do I get down on the ground, even it takes an ocean of tears, even if it’s painful, even if it gross…and scoop those past failures and fresh fears up and allow the Lord to put the junk in it’s final resting place so that I can move forward?

Back to my little friend. As I considered my options on what to do with this blasted squirrel, I really did begin to lean toward pretending it wasn’t there and just trying to avoid it. The only problem was it became all I could think about. First of all it was just icky. But let’s say I did leave it – what if it encouraged other critters to come out and feast on it right there by my car? (‘Ick’…intensified.) As much as I wanted to just walk away – that was not a viable solution. I wish you could have seen me remove this thing. It’s not like I even had to get my hands dirty. I just had to grab a shovel, scoop the dead squirrel up (although scooping was actually pushing it across the driveway until I could gain some traction to scoop) and walk a few yards toward the woods. I barely touched it and that gag reflex came over me, and I stood there for a moment shuttering. After a quick ‘man up’ speech…I pushed, scooped, and carried the little bugger to it’s final resting place (head turned away the entire time) and like that…the problem was solved… the yuck was gone and I could move on.

A year ago today was February 2020. I had no idea that within a month the world would shut down. I had no comprehension that I would take over as primary teacher for my children’s education. I didn’t know that a new technology would emerge allowing me to lead three Bible studies out of my home and across the states. My head and heart could not have possibly been able to process that I would lose my father-in-law (who was the only father figure to me). I had no idea what the Lord was calling me to and yet…He called me to it anyway. Sometimes He is quiet because the reality of what’s ahead is beyond our grasp. 

I hope you see where I am going here. The Lord has a plan for you. Even when you can’t see it, when you don’t understand it, when what’s in front of you seems awful and gross, and you feel you are far from prepared for it. Yes, you have lived a life of a thousand choices you wish you had not made – don’t continue to beat yourself up over them. Don’t try to hide away – hoping others won’t see and convincing yourself that He can’t use you or doesn’t want you. Don’t try to pretend that the unknown of what’s ahead doesn’t bother you, or that by avoiding God you will prevent further pain (the old ‘if I don’t talk to Him, I won’t have to hear what He says’ adage doesn’t ever work here). Don’t’ let current circumstances or situations have such massive victories over your heart and mind. Don’t beat yourself up over what you could have done or should be doing or might not ever get to do. Don’t hide away and think that absence will just make it all go away. Grab your shovel…fall to your knees…allow the junk that you think makes you too icky to be His, to get scooped away. Allow Him to take the insecurities and fears and chuck them to their final resting place. Yes, there will always be a multitude of choices – choose Him. He calls us to lean in. He calls us to take a step forward. He calls us to trust. Even when it’s hard, even when we don’t know what’s next, He is always the best choice!

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV