Tag Archives: change

Feb16

Taking Courage

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Did you ever watch the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz?” Of all the various characters that we are introduced to throughout the film – I think that my favorite is ‘The Cowardly Lion.’ When we are first introduced to him, he is doing all he knows how to be the very best lion he can be; doing everything he can to play the role. He jumps around, roars at little Toto, and growls his fiercest growl. The problem is that it is all an act. One quick swat from Dorothy and he falls completely apart. He starts sobbing. He lowers his shoulders. He backs away from the others. He holds his tail and cries out pitifully. He is a hot mess! After regaining his composure, somewhat later however, he makes this grandiose speech – ‘Courage! What makes a King out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk, in the misty mist or the dusty dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the ‘ape’ in apricot? What have they got that I ain’t got? – Courage!’ Have you ever given your own version of that exact same speech? Have you ever played the part of ‘having it all together’, but deep inside knew you were nothing but afraid? It is not the best feeling, is it?

In December of 2019, the Lord impressed on me the word ‘unafraid’. It had come to me at the end of a very difficult year. In January of that year, my husband changed jobs. He had been commuting about an hour away (Monday – Friday) and now was working out of the house, traveling one week a month to Washington, D.C. Because of this job change we realized that the house we were living in (that already felt too small for our family of 6) was not going to provide an adequate work environment for him long term. We knew we would need to sell our house, but having lived in it for over twelve years, there was going to be much to do to get it ready. So we immediately set out to renovate our home (while we all still lived in it and while he now worked out of it. Oh my.) Along with our decision to make ready our house to sell, we had also made the decision that we would use the year to pay off some of our dumb debt and get ourselves in a financial position for me to step away from the toxic work environment that I was in. So for twelve months he learned a new job and our family a new rhythm around that job; we took our house through massive renovations; we sold our house without an inkling of where we would be moving; found a home within weeks of our move out date; and moved. All while I was preparing things where I worked to carry on without me so my leaving would not cause any issues for them – oh and did I mention we were training for a massive marathon weekend where in 4 days we would run 48.6 miles? Love a duck! So needless to say, when the Lord pressed ‘unafraid’ into my mind – it made complete sense to me. I knew that as the year turned over to 2020, it meant figuring out a new neighborhood and meeting new neighbors (I’m an introvert and the thought of that makes me sweat even now.) It meant preparing to step away from several decades of a life working in church ministry. It meant having to find a new church. It meant figuring out what the Lord had for me next. It meant a great many changes were in store – and I won’t lie – I wasn’t handling all of the impending changes well. To put it delicately – I was a hot mess. I had no clue what 2020 was really about to bring. I had no idea the level to which I, and everyone around me, would be taken under by a tidal wave of fear. 

Over the course of 2020, I leaned in – hard – to finding out what God had to say about living life holding tight to Him, and not holding so tightly to the fears that seemed everywhere; what He had to say about living unafraid. In case you were curious, He has an extensive amount to say on the subject. Out of the 66 books that lie within the pages of the Bible, 60 of them speak directly to the subject. Each Biblical character that I read about, glanced over or knew of, all have struggles surrounding some form of fear. Every sin that I saw mentioned has roots that tie back to fear. It is a vicious animal, fear. It can sneak up when your back is turned. It can consume. It can devour. It can kill if we are not careful. To me, the visual that comes to mind is the most vicious of predators – the lion…sitting in the shadows waiting to pounce.

In actuality, this is something that the Lord intends for us to think of when we process the idea of fear. It is interesting to me the amount of times that lions are referred to in scripture. In Isaiah 31:4, the LORD references how a strong lion is not afraid. Proverbs 21:8 references their boldness. Isaiah 5:29 references their strength as a predator. They are used over 25 times as examples to help paint a picture of things we should expect, ways we should act and warnings of what to look for. Their strength is demonstrated countless times in a manner of something that should be feared and that can cause fear – in Judges 14:18, Sampson is even asked, ‘What is stronger than a lion?’ Each of these instances can be countered, however, with the truth that despite all of their strength the Lord can silence them and crush them. In the same way – fear can feel like something that wants to devour and destroy you but Lord gently reminds us that He stands ready to crush fear, silence it, defeat it – if we would but trust that He will.

Too many times to count, God asks for us to ‘take courage’, to ‘be courageous’. It is something we must chose. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, ‘for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.’ We can feel just like that cowardly lion mentioned above – convinced that this is who we are with fears that are too real, too consuming. Despite that – He still says ‘take courage’. 

  • “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
  • “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6
  • “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

As the ‘Wizard of Oz’ draws to a close, we see each of the characters come before the wizard with their requests, their needs. In response the wizard gives the cowardly lion a medal of bravery. A symbol of the courage that is assuredly within him; a reminder that any time fear wants to sneak in, he can be courageous. We have been given a very similar gift to remind us of the courage that we too can have, Christ Jesus. The events around us will continue to swirl. Situations will overwhelm, life will continue to pull the rug from beneath you…taking courage, living unafraid isn’t holding to those moments…it’s holding to Christ and becoming strong in the Lord. If this concept seems unattainable – pray. Ask Him to help you to ‘take courage’ – to have the physical courage to to stand up for your beliefs or to weather life’s storms. To take courage that no matter what – He has not left you; He will not leave you. Instead of just playing the part – begin to truly seek Him, know Him, draw close to Him, believe Him and yes, stand strong in Him. He WILL carry you through. He WILL calm your heart. He WILL direct your next steps. He WILL remind you that you are loved. He WILL silence those fears. No longer do you have to say ‘what have they got that I ain’t got’ because you ‘got’ Him! Praying this with you my friend!

Feb2

Choosing What You Cannot See

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Do you ever scroll through the TimeHop on your social media? My memory is terrible. And I have found that over the years that I find true joy over scrolling through past memories each day. Inevitably I will be surprised by things that happened – having completely forgotten that I had participated in certain events  – or I will get ridiculously tickled over some dumb thing either my kids or I had done – which are numerous! So I guess it shouldn’t entirely surprise me that when I decided to scroll through today’s memories – I encountered something of an anniversary on this date. It was a year ago today that I stepped down from my previous job. As with any major decision there is a lot of heartache and questioning that goes into it – and this shift was no different. I had been serving at a church for five years. God had made it so abundantly clear when He opened the door for me to work there. I had a thousand concerns, worries, and red flags – but through all of that noise – He continually confirmed and reaffirmed that He wanted me on that mission field. I love how the Lord can truly give you a peace over a decision, situation or issue. I am so thankful when everything else is a chaotic hot mess…His peace, His stillness, His voice somehow breaks through. It is amazing. What is not so amazing…is when He is quiet. I am not sure if you have ever encountered it, but there are times when the Lord can be deafeningly silent! And a year ago today was a perfect storm of both of those moments. He had made it SO clear that it was time to leave my job…and not just my job, but to step away from serving inside the four walls of a church. I had spent the previous two decades serving inside church walls – and now He was saying it was time to step out. This was completely clear. But where I was to go; what I was to do next; what serving Him in ministry would look like next? Yeah…you could hear crickets…but not His voice. 

Maybe I am an odd duck – in fact, I am aware that I am and am rather proud of this fact – but when faced with big changes like those listed above – I freak completely out. I, like so many, do not like change. Good or bad – change is still change and I don’t like it. Why? Because what I do like is to be in control! It is my favorite! I like to have a plan (okay…that’s a lie. I like to have six plans with another back-up or two just for kicks). I like to know what’s going to happen and what all potential outcomes might be. The Lord too, loves a good plan (as a dear friend reminded me earlier – just check out Exodus and his layout of the building of the Tabernacle. If you don’t think God loves a thorough, detailed, fully laid out plan – head there.) There isn’t anything that has appeared on this earth or happened in our lives that the Lord doesn’t have a plan for – there is peace in that and that truth absolutely deserves at least one ‘hallelujah’. He is just not always in the business of laying it out in front of us. He calls us to lean in. He calls us to take a step forward. He calls us to trust. He calls us to choose Him. 

As I sat here reflecting on my time in ministry, my time in my last position, and this day one year ago, God allowed another memory to come to mind as well. I have shared this before, but it is too fitting here not to share again. Several years ago…and by several, I think it was close to a decade ago, my husband selflessly allowed me to sneak away for a weekend. I say selflessly because at the time we had three young children, no grandparents in town, and he was going to be left to figure it all out on his own while I was away. (He is rockstar husband and father – it was just exceptionally meaningful to me that he gave me this little break.). Some friends of ours had a place about forty-five minutes from where we lived – and had offered it up to me for the weekend. I was very excited. I had planned do some prep for an upcoming Bible study I was going to lead. I planned to try and relax a bit, but I really planned to be laser focused and have some quality time with the Lord. (If you have ever seen a mama of young ones – you know time is precious, sleep rare, and time with the Lord as scattered as the crumbs and toys in the house.) Similarly, I was approaching a new season and it was time to get real with the Lord – to look at the areas where I had struggled, acknowledge the gifts He had given, and prepare for the unknown road ahead. It all sounded great – I was super excited, but also incredibly nervous about what the unknowns of what He had next for me.

I was thinking through these things as I drove when I came to the driveway of the get-away house where I would stay. And the thing He had next for me – that He put in front of me?…This nasty picture you see here (forgive the ugliness of it – but without the visual, you might not fully understand). I mean good glory! How completely gross was this little guy! It was bad enough that it was in the driveway to begin with, but for extra kicks it had landed itself smack-dab in the middle so my ability to ignore it wasn’t really an option. 

A random side effect of having little kids at home is that they tend to make you more inquisitive and curious than you normally would be, and I found myself inexplicably getting out of the car to check him out. Now please don’t picture this scene with any form of bravery or poise. I am relatively sure I crept from the vehicle, tip-toeing to his side, with my shoulders tight, my face contorted and a small groan escaping my mouth for no real reason. Please also keep in mind that this thing…this squirrel…was dead and I am ridiculous. As I got nearer to him (to take the lovely picture you see here), I quickly noticed that he was completely missing a leg. Bless this little guy’s heart, I don’t know what got a hold of him, but it did not come out well for him at all. I stood up and breathed a bit easier (now sure it wouldn’t attack me) and suddenly dread swooped over me again. What on earth was I going to do with him?

I’m a planner, remember – so I assessed the situation and quickly came up with four potential plans…

  1. Though obviously dead…I could get back into the car and repeatedly run him over just to verify death.
  2. I could find something to throw over it – covering it up so I didn’t have to look at it.
  3. I could pretend like I never saw him and just ignore it all together (though being right in the middle of the driveway…that was not super realistic.) Or…
  4. I could find a shovel and remove him to his final resting place in the woods.

Now put a pause on this scene from the nature channel…and fast forward to this anniversary date of such big changes that occurred a year ago today. I knew God’s hand was ushering me out, and I knew that up to this point He had never failed or left me – but the not knowing what would come next…the having to trust in the unknown and unseen…I didn’t know what to do. Insecurities overwhelmed me that maybe He was calling me away because I had failed Him. The insecurities of whatever is ahead, I’m not good enough for them, those areas where we (who are all sinners) don’t like to unravel and give God access to – what if I had to face those as I stepped out. I don’t know about you, but those unknowns, those quiet moments, those blind spots – are incredibly scary. And In that moment, I was faced with some choices…

  1. Do I replay past events, past choices, past sins repeatedly to verify that I am too worthless for whatever He might be calling me to and allow the fear of repeating failures to stop me in my tracks?
  2. Do I find something to throw over those areas of my life to cover them up and make excuses so I just don’t have to look at them at all?
  3. Do I pretend that He isn’t really calling me to something new? Why even bring it up with the Lord – let’s focus on the easy stuff and pretend that possibility isn’t there?
  4. Or do I get down on the ground, even it takes an ocean of tears, even if it’s painful, even if it gross…and scoop those past failures and fresh fears up and allow the Lord to put the junk in it’s final resting place so that I can move forward?

Back to my little friend. As I considered my options on what to do with this blasted squirrel, I really did begin to lean toward pretending it wasn’t there and just trying to avoid it. The only problem was it became all I could think about. First of all it was just icky. But let’s say I did leave it – what if it encouraged other critters to come out and feast on it right there by my car? (‘Ick’…intensified.) As much as I wanted to just walk away – that was not a viable solution. I wish you could have seen me remove this thing. It’s not like I even had to get my hands dirty. I just had to grab a shovel, scoop the dead squirrel up (although scooping was actually pushing it across the driveway until I could gain some traction to scoop) and walk a few yards toward the woods. I barely touched it and that gag reflex came over me, and I stood there for a moment shuttering. After a quick ‘man up’ speech…I pushed, scooped, and carried the little bugger to it’s final resting place (head turned away the entire time) and like that…the problem was solved… the yuck was gone and I could move on.

A year ago today was February 2020. I had no idea that within a month the world would shut down. I had no comprehension that I would take over as primary teacher for my children’s education. I didn’t know that a new technology would emerge allowing me to lead three Bible studies out of my home and across the states. My head and heart could not have possibly been able to process that I would lose my father-in-law (who was the only father figure to me). I had no idea what the Lord was calling me to and yet…He called me to it anyway. Sometimes He is quiet because the reality of what’s ahead is beyond our grasp. 

I hope you see where I am going here. The Lord has a plan for you. Even when you can’t see it, when you don’t understand it, when what’s in front of you seems awful and gross, and you feel you are far from prepared for it. Yes, you have lived a life of a thousand choices you wish you had not made – don’t continue to beat yourself up over them. Don’t try to hide away – hoping others won’t see and convincing yourself that He can’t use you or doesn’t want you. Don’t try to pretend that the unknown of what’s ahead doesn’t bother you, or that by avoiding God you will prevent further pain (the old ‘if I don’t talk to Him, I won’t have to hear what He says’ adage doesn’t ever work here). Don’t’ let current circumstances or situations have such massive victories over your heart and mind. Don’t beat yourself up over what you could have done or should be doing or might not ever get to do. Don’t hide away and think that absence will just make it all go away. Grab your shovel…fall to your knees…allow the junk that you think makes you too icky to be His, to get scooped away. Allow Him to take the insecurities and fears and chuck them to their final resting place. Yes, there will always be a multitude of choices – choose Him. He calls us to lean in. He calls us to take a step forward. He calls us to trust. Even when it’s hard, even when we don’t know what’s next, He is always the best choice!

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV

Jan19

Change…It is a Coming…

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If this past year and current set of realities have taught me anything, it is that there is one absolute common denominator among all people. It does not matter age, political lean, religious affiliation, skin color, primary language or educational background – every single person at some point in their life encounters a change that they 100% without question…hate. The change could be something relatively minor where you got a wild thought to try a new hairstyle – and within minutes found yourself willing the hairs to grow back at warp speed. It could be a change that you thought about long and hard – a new job, taking a relationship to the next level, deciding to get pregnant, or buying that new car you’ve always wanted. Each of those ‘good’ changes, but all with new responsibilities, expectations, hardships and cost. Changes like these are seemingly ‘in your control’ – and still they can be difficult and hard. Then there are the changes that blindside you. The ones that sneak up from behind – you had no clue they were coming. The kinds of changes that not only knock the wind out of your lungs but leave you numb and seemingly broken as you lay blasted on the ground. The changes that you have no control over – that rush in, overwhelm and leave lasting, lingering, seemingly awful affects. A pandemic, for example, that sweeps the world and altars every facet of life that you know. An election that goes far beyond 2 candidates and unleashes an anger, distrust, and belittlement of others – on all sides – that leaves your head pounding, your heart aching and your mind spinning – that ends relationships among families and friends and divides far more than it ever hoped to reconcile. Racial tensions unlike anything you had seen – with brokenness, exhaustion and anger from those who have never known anything but the like, ignorance and arrogance from those who will never hope to understand, and a lostness and ache from those caught up in the middle. Or perhaps death…of a loved one…taken far too early, for no apparent reason, wreaking havoc and forever changing the fabric of the people left behind. Changes. I hate them.

When my husband, Chris, and I got married, we were ridiculously young and relatively stupid. We were a young 20 years old respectively and had not one clue in this world what we were doing, but glory did we love each other. As a wedding gift, my mother decided to give me the hope chest you see pictured here. If I’m being honest, I found the gift kind of odd and a little irritating for a few reasons. One, the idea of a hope chest was to help a girl plan and prepare for her eventual wedding day. It was supposed to store up ideas, hopes and dreams for all the things a girl would want for her special day and start to her new married life. Its entire make up and design was to prepare you for a major change in your life. There is no other piece of furniture that symbolizes ‘change’ more to me than this particular piece. (I wasn’t a fan.) A second reason I found this piece odd and aggravating was that it was given to me the weekend OF my wedding – like less than 24 hours prior to the event. So I never actually used it for it’s ‘intended’ purpose and therefore I found it to be a super goofy gift. (I was 20 and kind of a goober – what can I say?) And then third, I just wasn’t particularly a fan of the decor painted on the front. Nevertheless, I placed a few random knick-knacks inside, sat it in my living room, and just kind of ignored it. 4 houses, 4 kids, and 24+ years later and the dumb thing still sits here – tucked away in a random corner.

It had been fine to sit in its little random spot because the area where it sat didn’t really have any purpose (seemed fitting for this piece, no?), until recently. At the start of this year, my sweet Christopher sat down with me to encourage me to finally begin to run after a dream I have had for decades. He shared with me that maybe it was time that I really began to take seriously my love for writing. Along with this encouragement came the suggestion that we finally give purpose to some space in our bedroom, and turn it into a place for me to sit and write. I ran straight into this endeavor with full gusto, and low-and-behold met up with my old friends ‘insecurities’ and ‘procrastination’ and suddenly writing needed to take a backseat until I could make the space ‘just so’. Makes sense, does it not? (We won’t mention the fact that this writing endeavor would mean a huge life change for me; my fear of said change; and how that ties into this blog on every conceivable level. No…we’ll just keep that to ourselves.). Wouldn’t you know that within moments, I was suddenly completely and totally fixated on this dumb cedar chest. My initial instinct was that this stupid thing needed to leave. I sat on the floor, and slowly began to think through where I would redistribute it’s contents so that I could finally rid myself of this wooden box. I was almost elated as I processed where and how I would get rid of it. When the random thought occurred to me – ‘you could always just paint it’. You ever have a moment where you not only begin to audibly talk to yourself, but actually get a bit snarky and seemingly start to argue…with yourself? (Welcome to a day in the life of Sarah.) I went round and round for a bit as I came to grips with both the idea of not getting rid of the chest and changing it to match my decor and my needs. How, in 24 years, had this thought never occurred to me before? A quick Google search and trip to Walmart – I found myself with the supplies I needed to transform this chest from something I really never liked, into something sweet, inviting and lovely.

After one coat of the chalk paint, it had certainly covered the chest, the cedar wood and the out dated design, but as you can see it was streaky, and still a bit unfinished looking. To truly transform the piece – it took three coats of paint and one of wax to give it a new, fresh, and beautiful new look. Suddenly, this “afterthought” of an item had suddenly become a centerpiece to this new space that I am creating. Just that simply. I love how it is turning out and yet the entire time I worked on it, I grumbled as I processed all the many ways I dislike change.

Change, is hard. It requires…something. It requires you to let go of something…or pick something up. It requires you to lose (or possibly gain) something or someone into or out of your life. It means extra work (I love the way the chest turned out – but it took days to transform it) . It means facing insecurities and conquering fears. It means trusting when you don’t want to. It means walking blind. It means pain. It means disappointment. It means being totally and completely out of control. And again, if I am honest, it has been this frame of mind that I have allowed to circle my head these last 40 plus years of life. I have often quipped that change ‘good or bad is still change and therefore hard.’ I don’t think I’ve ever equated change as anything but negative. I don’t know if you caught it, but even in the positive changes I mentioned at the front of this piece – I quickly followed with the hardships those things would still bring with them. Can you relate to the kind of thinking? For the last several weeks I have sat overwhelmed that this seems to be a season of countless changes – both small and massive – some deeply personal – some much more of a global nature. It has been almost suffocating and like a bad mantra I have just continually chanted, ‘I hate change. Change is stupid. I. Hate. Change.’ Despite my grumbling the Lord reminded me that as far as He is concerned…

“…I the Lord do not change.” (Malachi 3:3); that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:15). He reminded me that even if I wanted to ignore or bypass those truths – that didn’t negate the fact that “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8). Beautiful reminders that while change is the prominent and consistent qualifier for being human – it was not a descriptor that defines Him – and yet He is the author of change. Scripture is extraordinarily clear that all of mankind has sinned, has fallen, is broken, and lost. If we stop to think of our true depravity – it is beyond suffocating. We are born with a sin nature. We are brought into this world – apart from the Lord with a bent for the things of this world and our fleshly desires. He is equally clear that if we don’t depart from these things then that means a life…an eternity…separated from Him. With that realization in mind – suddenly my hatred for change suddenly becomes desperation to acquire it.

In 2 Corinthians 5:17 He says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” For those in the bleacher seats…to become a new creation, to have the old things in us pass away…constitutes change. He is painfully aware of our brokenness and promises the possibility of change…“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:19). Change that comes from the Lord comes in ways that don’t make sense and seem impossible…and yet…promises something new. To receive something new is a gift – always – and we know from James 1:17 that “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” Remember the gift may bring change, but the One giving it never changes. This world is a mess. It is NOT our home. It is a momentary breezeway on our route to our eternal destination. It is ever changing – it always has been, it always will be. The changes the Lord wants for us are not the changes of this world. The changes He wants for us are ones that bring us to a more intimate posture with Him.”Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed but the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12:2).

Yes, changes – more times than not – are hard, difficult and truly things that will conjure all kinds of hatred toward them. But much like my old cedar chest…the one that had no real purpose, that had spent years cast aside, that was perceived as ugly and useless – a transformation toward purpose, beauty and new life are possible…and needed. To live as His – to do more than call yourself His but actually live it – is going to require change. It is going to require work, and the giving up of something (being right, being heard, being superior, being secure as a few). Remember…“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). Don’t allow the weight of the things beyond your control to overwhelm and shut you down. Be willing to let Him move and change you – to a closer relationship with Him and a much need voice of hope to a world desperate for Him. Desperate for change. When you sense the Lord bringing you to a place of change – find joy that He is refining you, pursuing you and running after you. For those changes are put there to help you “…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the lioness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24). Hated or not, ready or not, change is inevitable; either the world will change you…or He will. He is waiting to refine, strengthen, and love you – there is such hope in those changes, is there not? Change..it is a coming, are you ready?